Yesterday was one month since we lost our precious little girl. It is probably why I was feeling a bit emotional. Despite that I still got 100s on my two college exams. There are times I get a little sad but God has really helped me get through everything the enemy throws at me.
In the above picture is Safira with her teddy bear that's wearing her hat on Curtis's piano where we decided to have her for now. Once we brought her home I decided that it was best to put the bear with her, because I had been having the bear with me. I guess you could say I did it for 2 reasons. One to comfort me and two to take care of it till it could go back to its owner.
I am excited to see the vision God gave me to come to past. I have no doubt it will happen. I of course want it to happen sooner than later but I trust in God's timing. Just like it says in the Word my womb is blessed and fruitful. I thank God for all He has done and plans to do in our lives. I trust what the Word says that He has plans to prosper us and not to harm us. No matter what the devil and his minions do I stand firm in the fact that Jesus has already overcome and we have the victory through Him.
The picture below is the charm bracelet our wonderful church gave me. They gave me the bracelet and the charm that says Safira Trinity. I bought the baby feet one to represent the first child we lost in September 2007, that wasn't far enough along to be able to know the gender. The other charm is for our little boy we lost August 2011.
Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. (Ephesians 4:31, 32 NLT)
If people would just do what this scripture says by building and encouraging others instead of tearing them apart, imagine how much pain and suffering would cease to exist. The world would be such a better place. Even if you don't agree with a persons choices, show them love and kindness anyways. There are ways to tell people that you don't agree what they are doing is good for them without being harsh and cruel. Being harsh and cruel just drives them further away. Deep down everyone just wants to be loved even if they won't admit it. God loves you no matter what, accept that love, so you can love yourself, which will enable you to love others.
33 years ago today was born a little boy that would grow up into an incredible man and perfect husband. I am so grateful God created Curtis and when He did he was made with me in mind. I know I am not the easiest to get along with. There are times I can't stand myself. Curtis has never given up on me and no matter what he stays by my side giving me support and strengthing my faith in God. I pray God gives us many more birthdays to celebrate together.
The first picture above was taken today after a friend that does Mary Kay gave me a mini makeover.
The second picture is the urn for our little Safira Trinity. We finally got to pick it up today. It was a little emotional but God got us through it. I think because it's so close to mothers day it's a little tough on me because I was looking forward to kind of celebrating it with a big prego belly. Plus last mothers day I found out I was prego with Malachi. But I don't have a child to get me a card or anything cause my 3 babies are all with Jesus. I stand on God's promise though that I will be celebrating mother's day with my children someday.
Someone text me today and asked how I was and I told them ok that I was happy to be off the antibiotics. Next thing they asked was "what about the baby?" I know she didn't mean to upset me but it just hit a nerve. When I lost Malachi last year it was hard but with Safira it just seems so much worse. They were completely different situations but with the same horrible outcome. With Malachi I had two weeks to come to terms with the fact that I could lose him. The doctors didnt expect him to last two weeks. Safira I got almost no warning. Everything was fine then poof water breaks and a day and half later I give birth. I was glad I had the doctor I had this time cause he was more hopeful than I think I was. If it would have been left up to me I would have been induced Saturday but he just couldn't do it. I believe in miracles and that God can do awesome things after all I have experienced some but I just knew in my heart I was losing my baby and didn't want to drag it out. Even Curtis was more hopeful than I which is why I didn't push for the induction even though I could have. Everyone around me had more hope than I did. I tried but I just couldn't do it. In a way I just went numb waiting to lose my baby. The doctor told me he was going to release me Monday and I actually dreaded it because the idea of having a repeat of how Malachi was born in my toilet and an ambulance having to come and but another one of my babies in a biohazard bag was horrible. While Safira did have the horrible toilet birth at least she had some of the nicest nurses to take care of her and treat her like a human being. They gave her the attention and care I should have but I just couldn't bare to see her to start with. Honestly parts of me feel bad that my son died in a toilet while my daughter got so much attention. She got cremeation and will be in an urn and i have no idea what they did with him. I have pictures and items of her and nothing of his. I know I can't change what happen and have come to terms with that but it still makes me quite sad at times.
I trust God and I know He has a plan of good for us. It has only been a week though and I am still processing everything. My smiles and laughs are real but there are still times of tears. With time the tears will come less but just like with Malachi and the first baby I still feel the loss. While I know they are in a much better place with Jesus my selfishness wishes they were with me.
I didn't really post anything right after I went to doctor last month cause nothing that interesting happened. Everything looked fine. Doctor had a hard time getting measurements cause it was moving so much. I go back a week from today. I am hoping the gender will be revealed. I have been feeling some movement on and off the past few days which is exciting. I really felt some the other night when I got to see one of my CBC teachers in person. I said they must like him as much as I do haha.
It's kind of been a hard week for me I got some sort of cold while at an Andrew Wommack conference in Orlando last week. The sore throat went a way within a day or two Thank God. I still have a cough that starts making me gag and puke. Today so far I haven't lost any food like I did the past few days. My sinuses seem to be running a lot less too. Poor Curtis has been struggling with the sinus and cough issue for I think weeks now.
Medicaid to no surprise has given me some issues this time. I get a notice with no other warning first that my coverage has ended. It didn't make sense to me since on the web it showed I wasn't even up for review till May. Well apparently I was told wrong about just having to ask them to upgrade me to pregnancy medicaid again and give proof of pregnancy. I called waited for over 30 minutes to find out I had to completely reapply for medicaid. I did but it can take up to 45 days to get approved and my doctor visit is next week. I refuse to stress though the doctor office may just have to bill later.
I am 15 weeks today so I figured I would post a belly picture. I look huge! My belly is a lot rounder and shirts that used to not touch my belly do now.
I go to the doctor tomorrow. I had to go last Tuesday because I had extreme pain in my right hip area that it made me puke. It lasted for about 5 hours that day. The doctor did an ultrasound to make sure baby was fine and told me it was probably a pulled muscle or spasm. Wednesday night right before bed the pain started again. it was horrible I took the pain killer he prescribed and muscle relaxer but neither seemed to help at all. This time it last for 7 hours. I kept poor Curtis up almost the entire time cause it was hurting so bad. Won't I believe finally made the pain go away was God. I had been praying even begging for it to stop but when I finally decided just to start reading the Word of God the pain started numbing to the point that I could go to sleep finally. I haven't had any pain in that same spot since. Praise God. A few times since I have had pains in other spots and every time I start reading my bible the pain stops.
11 weeks 1 day measuring 11 weeks 5 days
I know it's been over a month since I wrote. I have meant to a few times just never did. We had our 11 week doctor visit March 2nd. The doctor was very happy that I hadn't had any more bleeding. He did an u/s(pic above) and everything looked great. He was scared when he last saw us because the baby had moved on to the cervix when I lost that clump of lining. There doesn't seem to be any issues now. The baby was sleeping and the doctor wanted to see him moving around so he kept pushing on my belly telling him to move. Finally when he did it was so adorable. Stretching, scratching its head, and even looked like he was trying to pick his nose.
I finished my first 2 classes of Bible College last week. The one test wasn't to bad cause it was multiple choice but the second one was harder cause it was almost all fill in the blank. I know I second and third guessed myself into the wrong answers a couple of times.
Not to much else going on I guess. We had my nephew's 1st birthday party at my house Saturday. I think it went pretty well. He seemed to have fun so that's what matters. My parents got a brand new Kia Forte yesterday. It's their first new car ever. I probably had more to say but I just can't think of it at the moment.
Friday I went to the OB and we saw the baby and got to hear the little heartbeat going 160. I was measuring 7 weeks 1 day so my due date is Sept 20th, which is 7 days before my birthday. Also we got awesome news that the protein s test came back normal so I don't have to get shots taken
Late Saturday night I went to the bathroom there was bright red blood followed by a clot the size of my palm. After the clot passed the bleeding slowed down greatly. Curtis called the hospital they said if it didn't seem life threatening it would be best to wait to see our OB. We decided that after an hour or so the bleeding seemed to mostly stop we would wait for Monday. It did.
We called the dr's office when they opened and told us just to come in they would fit us in somehow. We get there and the waiting room is packed and I of course think well we will be waiting a long time. That wasn't the case at all they actually took us back next. I am sure all the people there might have gotten aggrivated but I am sure if they knew the circumstances and it was them instead they would like the same treatment. He did the u/s and the baby was still in there when I saw the heart beating I was so relieved. Because of the clot coming out though instead of the baby being high in the uterius it's almost right against the cervix. The dr also spotted a subchroninic bleed. He gave us a 50/50 chance of keeping the baby. I did more research when I got home and most of the time the clot with remedy itself by 20 weeks. There is a 1-3% chance the clot could tear the placenta from the uterus wall and cause miscarrage. It was ressuring to see online several ladies experenced the same thing I did and went on to have perfectly healthy babies. I am trusting God for the best. My glass is half full! And my God can work miracles. By the way I am now on very light activity so I can't do the 5k.
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