Someone text me today and asked how I was and I told them ok that I was happy to be off the antibiotics. Next thing they asked was "what about the baby?" I know she didn't mean to upset me but it just hit a nerve. When I lost Malachi last year it was hard but with Safira it just seems so much worse. They were completely different situations but with the same horrible outcome. With Malachi I had two weeks to come to terms with the fact that I could lose him. The doctors didnt expect him to last two weeks. Safira I got almost no warning. Everything was fine then poof water breaks and a day and half later I give birth. I was glad I had the doctor I had this time cause he was more hopeful than I think I was. If it would have been left up to me I would have been induced Saturday but he just couldn't do it. I believe in miracles and that God can do awesome things after all I have experienced some but I just knew in my heart I was losing my baby and didn't want to drag it out. Even Curtis was more hopeful than I which is why I didn't push for the induction even though I could have. Everyone around me had more hope than I did. I tried but I just couldn't do it. In a way I just went numb waiting to lose my baby. The doctor told me he was going to release me Monday and I actually dreaded it because the idea of having a repeat of how Malachi was born in my toilet and an ambulance having to come and but another one of my babies in a biohazard bag was horrible. While Safira did have the horrible toilet birth at least she had some of the nicest nurses to take care of her and treat her like a human being. They gave her the attention and care I should have but I just couldn't bare to see her to start with. Honestly parts of me feel bad that my son died in a toilet while my daughter got so much attention. She got cremeation and will be in an urn and i have no idea what they did with him. I have pictures and items of her and nothing of his. I know I can't change what happen and have come to terms with that but it still makes me quite sad at times.
I trust God and I know He has a plan of good for us. It has only been a week though and I am still processing everything. My smiles and laughs are real but there are still times of tears. With time the tears will come less but just like with Malachi and the first baby I still feel the loss. While I know they are in a much better place with Jesus my selfishness wishes they were with me.
1 Comment
Saturday evening my water broke. I was only 18 weeks and 3 days pregnant so it was not a good thing at all. We immediatly went to the hospital and they did an u/s to confirm it did break. There was some fluid around our little girl and my cervix wasn't dialated. My dr decided that he would have me admitted and pray that the sac would reseal. Sunday afternoon they did another u/s and there was no change which the dr said was good cause cervix was still not dialating and the fluid wasn't any less. Sunday night though I started having contractions. Monday morning I delievered our little girl Safira Trinity. She lived for three hours but just couldn't breath cause her lungs weren't developed enough. She was a perfect little baby. I thank God so much for the nurses that took care of me and her they were so incredibly nice. I ended up getting an infection and was put on antibotics and released earlier today.
I know God has a plan for us and that one day we will have children we get to keep and raise. I could say so much more but I just don't have it in me right now. Yesterday morning while heading to the car I was looking for my Grey Kitty, yes that is what I called her, because she didn't come when I gave her food. I looked at where our ac unit was because she would come and go under the house right there. Well I saw her back end and tail and knew something was wrong because she didn't lay halfway under the house. Curtis was already at the car, came over and verified what I already knew in my heart that she had died. We don't know exactly what happen he just thinks it was quick. Anyone that knows me knows I think of my animals as part of the family so it hit me pretty hard. Plus already being hormonal from the pregnancy lets just say yesterday was not a very good day for me.
I know it really is unrelated but I couldn't help but think that last year soon after I found out I was pregnant my Nana passed away. Now this year a little bit after finding out I'm pregnant my Grey Kitty passed away. I will miss our walks around the yard together. Her running pass me to beat me to the house after walking the driveway to get the mail. Her coming to greet us almost every time we came home. Her scratching on the back door to say she wanted attention or more food. I could go on. I will always remember and love her. Who knows if anyone actually reads this but if anyone does and wonders why I stopped posting my 5k training it's because I haven't been doing so much lately. On January 10th I was up at the church doing stuff, when I was driving to the house to do my 5k training & I really had to pee, out of no where I had this urge that I should take a pregnancy test when I got there. I had one test there cause I promised that I wouldn't take it unless I really felt God urging me too. The feeling I had in the car was it was God because if it was me I would have done it when I first woke up because that's what everything says is the best time. I got home took the test didn't have to wait very long before it popped up saying Pregnant. I nearly screamed I was so excited. With shaking hands I quickly took a picture with my iPad and messaged it to Curtis who was out of town working. Him being his normal self was like is that new? I was like of course it is. As you can see in the picture above I wrote the date on it and resent the picture to prove it was new. He was happy.
That night I started Charis Bible College Florida at our church Grace City. It's awesome so far. It's hard to believe I'm a college student, when technically I haven't finished high school. I am working on that though. God is so incredible giving me such favor. I trained for the 5k the day I found out and I believe the next. I slacked off a bit until I got the ok from my doctor. When I saw him he said exercise was fine. So today I am back to training. I won't be pushing myself as hard though. If you know me or have looked at older posts I have written, August of last year we had a miscarriage at 19 1/2 weeks of our precious Malachi. So once I got the positive I immediately made a doctors appointment. It was on the 20th. They did an ultrasound it should an empty sac and measured only 5 weeks instead of the 7 I thought I was. I was a little freaked out but Curtis helped calm me down plus it is possible that I just ovulated late. I see the doctor February 3rd for another ultrasound to make sure everything is progressing the way it should. I also had to have a blood test redone, cause when I had my miscarriage it showed I have a protein s deficiency. It's a rare thing and if I did have it I would have to take shots twice a day for the entire pregnancy. But Glory to God I have faith that the test will come back fine and that everything will be perfect at the next ultrasound. I believe in the vision God gave me during my fast last year of us with healthy babies. I know its been almost a month since I started writing this but life has been busy. I have attempted to start this several times but never got very far. Again some parts may be graphic, be warned.
In the ambulance they tried to start an iv 3 times with no luck. During the ride I was a bit numb emotionally. I didn't like the fact that Curtis wasn't with me because they told him to drive our car, so we had a vehicle to leave in. I understood why but they way it went down, where they just started driving off without saying anything to me bugged me. When I arrived at the ER they wouldn't let Curtis come back without my permission, however my parents showed up & they didn't ask if it was okay. I think that is wrong. I love my parents don't get me wrong and appreciate the support but I they won't let my husband back without my permission why didn't they ask if I wanted my parents there. Anyways, I got hooked up to all the monitoring machines which showed my heartbeat at 125+. The nurse had to use a child needle to get an iv in. The admissions person comes back to get my information and insurance. I had Medicaid well because I was no longer pregnant they needed $3. I was like seriously I just lost my child and you are demanding $3 to treat me. I just about completely lost it before God calmed me down. My dad had already gotten out a 5 dollar bill I was fine whatever. The lady wasn't trying to be mean it was just policy that I personally feel should be dealt with during discharge not in the middle of everything. When they did the first examine they made everyone leave the room. I wasn't at all happy they made Curtis leave, every time after that I refused to let him leave. They tried to see if I could push the placenta out but it wouldn't budge. So they went off to figure out what to do. The ultrasound tech came to get me & asked if I could walk. Sure I could walk probably however I had no underwear on and was bleeding. I said I'm not up to walking figuring the most logical thing for them to do would be to take me on the gurney after all isn't that why it has wheels. But no she was like well should I come back later. I was in disbelieve like I'm going to be any better in a few minutes, so I was like I don't think I will be able to in a bit either. Very reluctantly she finally agreed to just take me on the gurney. I had thought the trans-vaginal ultrasound was uncomfortable before this was worse. After a while of just waiting a male gyno/ob doctor(Dr Atta) came in. He was really nice. He said that I didn't do anything wrong that it just happens sometimes. He said they were going have to give me medicine to induce me, so that I would re-dilate for the placenta to come out. I was given 8 pills to put between my gums and cheeks of the mouth. It was horrible I wasn't allowed anything to drink and I was so parched that I didn't have much saliva to dissolve the pills. After a while I started shaking uncontrollably it was unpleasant to say the least but I didn't get any pain medication yet because it wasn't hurting just uncomfortable. As time passed it got worse and more frequent I was having contractions to go with the shaking. I was bleeding quite a bit that it kept puddling up and they would have to change the bed pad and towels they were using to soak it up. Several large clumps came out but not the placenta. They gave me another 8 pills to put in my mouth that already had sore spots from the first 8. I was still not allowed anything to drink. Along with the shaking and contractions my ankles started having their spasms. That was the point that I broke down and asked for pain medication. The first medication they wanted to give me was one that I had a bad reaction to before so I refused it. Well it took them a while longer before offering to give me something else. They injected it into my iv along with some anti nausea medication. I could feel the relief of the spasms and immediately started feeling really tired. It didn't help that it was like 5 or 6 am now. I dosed for a few minutes but when I awoke the nausea one over and I started dry heaving since I didn't have anything in my system. In my personal opinion dry heaving is worse then vomiting. The good thing to come out of that was during one of my dry heaving fits I felt another something large come out. Thank God this time it was the placenta. The nurse said something about getting to be released when I passed it so I was extra happy, however that wasn't the case. Dr Atta came back to say that he was admitting me because he believed the placenta had an infection that passed to me which is why my heartbeat was so high and I had a low grade fever. Again he reassured me that what happen wasn't my fault, the baby looked perfectly healthy and they were going to send the placenta to be tested to try and find out more. It was good to know that I was carrying a healthy baby and it wasn't a genetic defect but it made it that much harder too. I know that God has a reason for everything including this. I also have faith that He will bless my womb to be fruitful. I will type out the hospital stay another day. It's been a little over a month and have thought of writing this a dozen times. What I am about to write may be to graphic/ upsetting for some to read.
At eleven something at night on August 6th, I woke up to use the bathroom and while going something felt wrong. Without any contractions or warnings signs that I noticed at the time, Malachi came out. I didn't see him put felt him. It wasn't even painful. I freaked out and yelled for Curtis and told him I thought I loss the baby. He immediately woke up, turned on the bathroom light and went to get a flashlight to see, since I was still on the toilet. I did a quick glance for my self and saw the umbilical cord and knew I was right. Curtis then did something that now I wish he didn't have to cause it's horrible he had to see our precious little one in the toilet. I was only 19 1/2 weeks along at this point there was no way he could survive his organs were not developed enough. He needed to stay in there at least 4 1/2 more weeks. I stayed on the toilet thinking the placenta would just come out also but it didn't. After around an hour Curtis called 911 and they sent an ambulance. It wasn't long before they showed up. They took my vitals and then clamped and cut the umbilical cord. I was then taken to the hospital in the ambulance. I have much more to say but instead of one super long post I think I will break it up into smaller ones. Not to mention even though I feel the need to write it out, it's still a very emotional for me. I know God is taking care of my angel & there was a reason for all this, which in a later post I will give some theories. |
StephanieWelcome to my site and my life. I post updates on things I am doing or adding to my site, about what's going on in my life good or bad, & things that I believe the Holy Spirit prompts me to. I live to glorify God in all I do, to share His everlasting, unfailing love, and the nearly unbelievable good news of Jesus Christ. Topics
All
Archives
November 2022
|