Yesterday was one month since we lost our precious little girl. It is probably why I was feeling a bit emotional. Despite that I still got 100s on my two college exams. There are times I get a little sad but God has really helped me get through everything the enemy throws at me.

In the above picture is Safira with her teddy bear that's wearing her hat on Curtis's piano where we decided to have her for now. Once we brought her home I decided that it was best to put the bear with her, because I had been having the bear with me. I guess you could say I did it for 2 reasons. One to comfort me and two to take care of it till it could go back to its owner.

I am excited to see the vision God gave me to come to past. I have no doubt it will happen. I of course want it to happen sooner than later but I trust in God's timing. Just like it says in the Word my womb is blessed and fruitful. I thank God for all He has done and plans to do in our lives. I trust what the Word says that He has plans to prosper us and not to harm us. No matter what the devil and his minions do I stand firm in the fact that Jesus has already overcome and we have the victory through Him.

The picture below is the charm bracelet our wonderful church gave me. They gave me the bracelet and the charm that says Safira Trinity. I bought the baby feet one to represent the first child we lost in September 2007, that wasn't far enough along to be able to know the gender. The other charm is for our little boy we lost August 2011.

33 years ago today was born a little boy that would grow up into an incredible man and perfect husband. I am so grateful God created Curtis and when He did he was made with me in mind. I know I am not the easiest to get along with. There are times I can't stand myself. Curtis has never given up on me and no matter what he stays by my side giving me support and strengthing my faith in God. I pray God gives us many more birthdays to celebrate together.

The first picture above was taken today after a friend that does Mary Kay gave me a mini makeover.

The second picture is the urn for our little Safira Trinity. We finally got to pick it up today. It was a little emotional but God got us through it. I think because it's so close to mothers day it's a little tough on me because I was looking forward to kind of celebrating it with a big prego belly. Plus last mothers day I found out I was prego with Malachi. But I don't have a child to get me a card or anything cause my 3 babies are all with Jesus. I stand on God's promise though that I will be celebrating mother's day with my children someday.

Someone text me today and asked how I was and I  told them ok that I was happy to be off the antibiotics. Next thing they asked was "what about the baby?" I know she didn't mean to upset me but it just hit a nerve.  When I lost Malachi last year it was hard but with Safira it just seems so much worse. They were completely different situations but with the same horrible outcome. With Malachi I had two weeks to come to terms with the fact that I could lose him. The doctors didnt expect him to last two weeks. Safira I got almost no warning.  Everything was fine then poof water breaks and a day and half later I give birth.  I was glad I had the doctor I had this time cause he was more hopeful than I think I was.  If it would have been left up to me I would have been induced Saturday but he just couldn't do it. I believe in miracles and that God can do awesome things after all I have experienced some but I just knew in my heart I was losing my baby and didn't want to drag it out. Even Curtis was more hopeful than I which is why I didn't push for the induction even though I could have. Everyone around me had more hope than I did. I tried but I just couldn't do it. In a way I just went numb waiting to lose my baby.  The doctor told me he was going to release me Monday and I actually dreaded it because the idea of having a repeat of  how Malachi was born in my toilet and an ambulance having to come and but another one of my babies in a biohazard bag was horrible. While Safira did have the horrible toilet birth at least she had some of the nicest nurses to take care of her and treat her like a human being. They gave her the attention and care I should have but I just couldn't bare to see her to start with. Honestly parts of me feel bad that my son died in a toilet while my daughter got so much attention. She got cremeation and will be in an urn and i have no idea what they did with him. I have pictures and items of her and nothing of his. I know I can't change what happen and have come to terms with that but it still makes me quite sad at times. 

I trust God and I know He has a plan of good for us. It has only been a week though and I am still processing everything. My smiles and laughs are real but there are still times of tears.  With time the tears will come less but just like with Malachi and the first baby I still feel the loss. While I know they are in a much better place with Jesus my selfishness wishes they were with me.