Its hard but God will get me through it

Someone text me today and asked how I was and I  told them ok that I was happy to be off the antibiotics. Next thing they asked was "what about the baby?" I know she didn't mean to upset me but it just hit a nerve.  When I lost Malachi last year it was hard but with Safira it just seems so much worse. They were completely different situations but with the same horrible outcome. With Malachi I had two weeks to come to terms with the fact that I could lose him. The doctors didnt expect him to last two weeks. Safira I got almost no warning.  Everything was fine then poof water breaks and a day and half later I give birth.  I was glad I had the doctor I had this time cause he was more hopeful than I think I was.  If it would have been left up to me I would have been induced Saturday but he just couldn't do it. I believe in miracles and that God can do awesome things after all I have experienced some but I just knew in my heart I was losing my baby and didn't want to drag it out. Even Curtis was more hopeful than I which is why I didn't push for the induction even though I could have. Everyone around me had more hope than I did. I tried but I just couldn't do it. In a way I just went numb waiting to lose my baby.  The doctor told me he was going to release me Monday and I actually dreaded it because the idea of having a repeat of  how Malachi was born in my toilet and an ambulance having to come and but another one of my babies in a biohazard bag was horrible. While Safira did have the horrible toilet birth at least she had some of the nicest nurses to take care of her and treat her like a human being. They gave her the attention and care I should have but I just couldn't bare to see her to start with. Honestly parts of me feel bad that my son died in a toilet while my daughter got so much attention. She got cremeation and will be in an urn and i have no idea what they did with him. I have pictures and items of her and nothing of his. I know I can't change what happen and have come to terms with that but it still makes me quite sad at times. 

I trust God and I know He has a plan of good for us. It has only been a week though and I am still processing everything. My smiles and laughs are real but there are still times of tears.  With time the tears will come less but just like with Malachi and the first baby I still feel the loss. While I know they are in a much better place with Jesus my selfishness wishes they were with me.